I quitted my habit of leaving the lights on when I sleep but yesterday I didn't want to off them. In the past, I need music and the lights on because I'm afraid & insecured and I thought I have gotten over my own phobia.
It seems like there are many things I still couldn't face them bravely and honestly. There are things and events that have been running in my mind for the past week.
I really want to move on. Its a shame that I have nothing pleasant to fall back upon when I am reminded. The greatest mockery is that the entire episode lasted for 2 years and yet, the better times were so insignificant compared to the unmemorable incidents.
Perhaps I'm really a failure in this aspect. I'm left without a reason to smile when I look back.
When a human relationship between 2 turned out to be this sour, I wonder who is the winner.
It is unfair because I've unintentionally pulled an innocent party to this small yet complicated picture.
Matters of the heart. Such a simple phrase yet so much meanings to it.
Who really takes up the responsibilities afterall?
Today, I realised that I found a character-identical twin and she's everything I'm. The boyfriend is having a very tough time dealing with her because he doesn't know what she's thinking.
My dear buddy, I tell you, my kind of woman is the 犯溅 type. Don't treat us too well. We will step over your head and shit. But if you don't treat us well, we will think you have another woman outside. :)
Virgos are too hard to please. Just be yourself, one day we will see your good.
Somehow I wonder, what kind of girl am I potraying to the world? It seems that many a times, people know me better than I know myself. They are able to define who I'm just by looking at me from surface. I salute these people, really. Because even I, myself get confused about my identity sometimes.
I have received many comments about me being very quiet initially only to know I'm actually pretty noisy. Some people think I'm stucked up while some find me approachable even at the 1st meeting. Some people assume that I have very high expectations of myself, my boyfriend & people around me. And some people sterotyped me with girls who are materialistic, high maintenance and difficult.
I think that's pretty unfair.
Because I think I'm better than how people are proclaiming who I'm. For a start, I don't need to be drove around. And I don't need a boyfriend who is a high-flier and earns enough to shower me with LVs and Pradas every month. If it can sound any simpler, I rather have a boyfriend who loves me and have a moderate life than a boyfriend who flirts around but earns thousands a month.
I hold expectations for myself, yes but never for people around me.
Weixuan can come tell me he's going to quit the force today because he's unhappy. I will respect his decision and I won't most definitely look down on him just because he's jobless. I would rather he's happy. I don't see the need to exert pressure on my loved ones just because I have high expectations on myself. They are who they are.
But somehow, people are judging me like that. And seriously, that's pretty disappointing.
When will people start learning to look deeper beneath the face itself? They may have met girls like that.
(A big BUT.)
Not girls are the same.
And it seems that only people who have sticked around long enough knows that I can actually be the simplest girl around.
I obviously have to rant about this. The payment system of M1 left so much to be desired and it has caused me much unfortunate inconvenience today. Though their customer service remains at tip-top, I just got to let this out.
I made a payment for my bill via internet banking 2 days ago. Since my debts were cleared, I thought there shouldn't be any problems in upgrading my line. I went to my customer's place after work (thank you very very very much, his shop is at Tampines) with so much anticipations that I will be getting my new pink phone.
Then, M1 decided to play a nasty trick on me. The payment is not updated because payments through internet banking take 2 - 5 working days to be updated. I stared at my customer, then the boy, then my customer again and both gave me that I-really-don't-know-what-you-can-do face. So I called M1 and asked if there's anything they could do about it since my customer is a dealer and not a M1 shop (where they could possibly be more lenient with the regulations). The lady said there's no way she could change the payment status for my mobile line since its an automated system. My customer could let me have the phone 1st but it will be unfair for him IF anything was to go wrong so I told him it will be okie. What he wants to do for me is to deliver the phone to me once the status is updated. I appreciate that.
To think that the customer service officer was still blabbering about me being a loyal customer for the past 7 years. If I so loyal customer, are you not able to lift up a simple yet silly regulation of your company? I definitely won't run away since I'm so loyal to you and the freaking thing is I can actually provide you with the date, time and transaction reference of my payment. Fucking hell. Anyway, she's a nice lady and its not her fault. She still "hope I've a nice day" at the end of the conversation.
Thank you leh, if you travel all the way from Bukit Batok to Tampines just because you want to get a phone but in vain, will you still think I'll have a nice day?
I love days when I get to meet up with people I have not seen for a long time. Met up with Melissa to collect her IC as my mobile line is under her name and I'm intending to grab the Nokia N70 promotion. Had a short chat before meeting the boy at Tiong Bahru.
We took a walk to the revamped Tiong Bahru market and had steamboat porridge. Kind of unique though I seriously cannot stand the pork smell so I ordered the famous Tiong Bahru "chwee kueh". Since I'm meeting Jemay at bugis, we decided to have dessert at our favourite dessert shop. Before that, the girl wanted to have dinner at "Lai Lai". It is a Taiwanese style cafe and I love the mee sua. I will definitely go back again!
Jemay commented Weixuan looks like a younger version of a Hongkong actor.
Alright, certain resemblance. Weixuan is less good-looking. haha.
He left to meet his friends after our mango sago since we wanted to have some girlie talk. We sat by Can Cafe but decided that the atmosphere was not happening enough, so we went Loof. The place was brilliant and we chose to have a corner seat by the bar. Archers is a pure indulgence. It is enough to burn away my stress for the entire week. :)
I might resign after I get my results this 21st Aug but I'm afraid I cannot secure what I'm getting now. Now I understand why a breakthrough off the comfort zone is scary just like its exciting.
I went into the CAD website and got these information.
Entry Salary Range
The entry salary of Commericial Affairs Officers depend on their educational qualifications.
1st Class Hons Degree $3346.00 $2866.00 2nd Class (Upper) Hons Degree $3154.00 $2674.00 Other Hons Degree $2990.00 $2510.00 Merit Degree $2870.00 $2390.00 Pass Degree $2750.00 $2270.00
Though their salary scheme is not very impressive, it is my dream to get into CAD. While my own best friend and boyfriend are trying to get out of the force, I'm trying to get in.
I'm still struggling to finish off my work at a crazy time of 1.48am. Everyone are, technically sleeping by now while I'm still balancing my freaking accounts. And the worse-off thing is I'm not paid extra. And I need to wake up at 7am to be in time to punch in at 9am sharp.
Damn life of mine. I need another 24 hours in a day so that I can have alittle more balance in my life. I am deprived of sleep & R&Rs.
I miss the school days when I don't need to think of anything other than what's in store for play the next day. And the most marvellous thing is I wake up to find money on my table.
Grown-ups life sucks. I am regretting why I made the wish to grow up faster.
For my dearest girlfriend who is going through a rough patch now. I love you. I want to see your pretty smile soon.
Through The Rain Lyrics Mariah Carey
When you get caught in the rain with no where to run When you're distraught and in pain without anyone When you keep crying out to be safe but no body comes And you feel so far away That you just can't find your way home You can get there alone It's okay, what you say is
Chorus: I can make it through the rain I can stand up once again on my own And I know that I'm strong enough to mend And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
And if you keep falling down, don't you dare give in You will arrise safe and sound, so keep pressing on steadfastly And you'll find what you need to prevail What you say is
I can make it through the rain I can stand up once again on my own And I know that I'm strong enough to mend And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
And when the wind blows, as shadows grow close don't be afraid There's nothing you can't face And should they tell you you'll never pull through Don't hesitate, stand tall and say
I can make it through the rain I can stand up once again on my own And I know that I'm strong enough to mend And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
I can make it through the rain And stand up once again And I live one more day and night I can make it through the rain (Yes you can) You're gonna make it through the rain
We went for dinner at the esplanade yesterday. The noodles was wonderful and so was his company. We sat by the river (?) and had one of those intellectual conversations I always love. We talked about "Contentment".
I was telling him that men cannot blame women for being insecured, or having low confidence in relationships. This low morale has nothing to do with the trust between the couple, but more of a perspective in a general point of view. I seen too many examples in my life to be able to trust a man wholeheartedly. And especially when these examples revolve around people whom you are very close with, the aftermath effects become greater.
My 3 colleagues, of which all have wonderful spouses: a partner that a man would want, a wife material instead of a girlfriend's and all, submissive to my colleagues. But, they betrayed their wife/ girlfriends' trust. (Definitely) without the women's knowledge, they slept around behind their backs. More than once. Yet, they still care and love their other halves. They still return home to them after the affairs. Does the forbidden fruit really taste more delicious, I wonder.
As much as I always say I believe in fairytales and everlasting love, I know a very huge part of me is actually contradicting my belief. I used to think of marriage, starting my own family and having a love-nest I can call mine but now, I'm highly sceptical. It has nothing to do with security or confidence level. It is just how the society is presenting itself and I'm accepting the fact that many of us, human beings (myself included) are taking compromises and the life-time promise too lightly. And surprisingly, some women - though we are supposed to be the more committed gender, are taking the vows as light-heartedly as the men.
I do not know why but its me that I have never comtemplated on cheating on my other half. This principle will stick by me through my life, I know.
Weixuan told me he was at the lowest point of his life a few years ago. He had nothing and was in some shit-hole. He got out of it and he told himself that whatever he has now is a bonus to him and he will cherish them well. Somehow, I choose to believe him.
He then told me in a very relax manner that a friend of mine visited his friendster link. At that point of time, a devil and an angel seems to appear at the top of my head at the same time. I can tell the truth or bury it well I won't have to talk about it. I want to be honest because he should know. He should know that Nigel is actually my ex-boyfriend. Upon telling him that and wanting to go on further, he stopped me. He told me that what passed is past and he doesn't want me to be reminded of anything. I'm thankful and for this very simple reason, I will learn to accept the logic behind it too.
We then went to the airport to send his mum off for her holidays to Korea. (I have a love for airports. Perhaps its only me that I can actually find peace within its premises.)
Before leaving for home, the boy asked me "What was your 1st impression of me when you saw me 4 years ago?" I said, "It was normal. I was only thinking of winning your money then." (We know each other through Xianjie and the event was actually a mahjong session.) He then asked again, "What was your 1st impression when you saw me 4 years later?" I replied, "The 1st thought was 'I saw the guy who cheated my money.'" Haha.
Then it was my turn to ask him the same questions. He told me that the 1st impression I left in him was a very out-of-his-reach kind of girl. He told me that he had the impression that I had a boyfriend back then (which I didn't). He also said that he felt I will like a matured man who is older than me rather than one who is of the same age. And when he saw me again, he said he still feel the same but somehow, he wanted to know more about me. But he saw a picture of Andy, Jemay with me, he thought I had a boyfriend. Yes, he thought it was Andy. It was after the 1st conversation that he realised I'm actually single.
I told him. It is not that women want to find older men just because they have a car, career or credit cards to boast. For me, I need someone who is matured and that is the reason why my past boyfriends are all older than me. Perhaps I have been pulled down once so tremendously, now I just want someone who can accept me for who I really am. I just want to be myself infront of the one I love. I'm actually learning how to love all over again even though its tough to open up the heart after a very dramatic, failed relationship. I hope one day, he can help me tear down the tall wall that I built in defence of myself. He respects me alot which I truly appreciate. Nobody wears the pants, we don't usually have conflicting views but when it does arise, I actually learnt how to lower down my voice, open up my mind and see things from his direction. This feeling is nice.
He's the 1st boyfriend Mich and the rest have seen and hopefully, they are giving their approval to the young man there. Their Quality Control is stricter than that of my mum's. It is really not easy to get through those evil girls. haha! I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed for the boy.
Its still 1.5 months more to my birthday but I want to be kaisu because:
1. Mich always buy presents last minute, so now she will have a whole 1.5 months. 2. Venon & Kelvin needs to send the present over from Australia, which will take 1 week. 3. People will start questioning what I want so this entry is what I can refer to.
Wishlist 1. Kenzo Flower EDT 2. Chanel Chance EDT 3. Crumpler messsenger bag, red 4. CDP concealer in Ivory 5. Estee Lauder Advanced Night Repair - Eye Recovery Complex 6. Isetan vouchers 7. Crabtree & Evelyn Skin Care Remedy - Hydration Booster 8. Crabtree & Evelyn Honeysuckle Rose Scented Candle 9. Crabtree & Evelyn Hand Therapy Cream - Rosewater 10. Rose buds floral tea (Available at Takashimaya basement) 11. Lancome Hypnose Mascara - Black 12. 13. 14. CASH
My weekends will be almost definitely meaningless without the girls. Though it was a late meetup (they went for movie before I met them), it was wonderful. I reached Orchard at 920pm and since their movie had not ended, I walked into Mango and came out with a pair of jeans that fit me perfectly. We had Pepper Lunch for our very late dinner. The honey-something sauce was damn nice! I don't want to think what will happen to my throat tomorrow since I'm down with a pretty sore throat.
Wanted to chill out at IndoChine but it was 1stly, non-smoking and 2ndly, too packed to find a 6-seater. Since Fen & Mich were driving earlier on, we decided to go Sentosa, look at the stars and have a beer. We were relishing on our secondary school days and I laughed till I teared.
Every weekend is so special, and its always filled with something new. It was simple and time passed so fast but its certainly better than the days we clubbed and drank till we literally smelled like walking cigarettes and so damn high from the alcohol. We realised we were growing old. This damn friendship has been going on for 10 marvellous years.
We seen each other through bad hair days in school, countless tears over men, burning midnight oil, embarking on new careers and starting a family and relationships. Fen commented earlier on over supper at Fong Seng; she wondered how the hell we have so much to talk about every weekend. I wondered too. But I'm very sure its not because we are noisy and talkative in nature (though many would beg to differ), its just that there's an in-built bond between the 4 of us - something that is more extraordinary than mutual respect itself.
Its very surprising that each of us holds a character that is unique to ourselves but yet, we could click. Like Mich always know when I'm in trouble and I always know when not to provoke her just because she's having PMS. Like Qing know I'll always be late for our dates and I always know she'll be too, so we will always reach our destinated place 20 minutes later than our appointment time. Its like a silent understanding.
They are the people I share my innermost with. They know secrets that even my mum doesn't know of.
Time truly passes fast and quick. Its just like yesterday when I saw a very irritating brown hair Ah lian (aka Mich)on orientation day, like yesterday Qing, Fen & I went through our tortures over volleyball training. I forgot how we got to each other and who spoke the 1st hello but I can't help but to be cheesy to say its fate.
10 years ago, Fen was this girl who carried a Naf Naf school bag Mich found it so irritating. Today, Fen is engaged to a wonderful man and getting a new home. Qing was this notorious girl who was a freaking rebel and today, she's in the force catching the girls who do what she once did. Mich. Once a girl who left a note on the fridge to her mum that literally said "I don't care what you said but I'm sneaking out tonight to do fishing at Xiao Gui Lin," and now, she's supporting anti-drugs. And me, I was once wearing hairbands to school, didn't sit for my Acocunts paper during O levels and now, ironically inspiring to be a prudent accountant.
I think of how this friendship will be 10 years later when we are all in our 30s. With some Marlboro cigarettes and bottles of Heninken, we will still be laughing at what we did 20 years ago. :)
This, is a friendship that even my future husband cannot destroy because he needs to go through them to get my hand.
As I'm sitting infront of my computer, slipping my coffee waiting for 815pm before I leave my house to meet the girls & Xianjie, I thought of a debate I had with Xuan last night.
We were talking about investment plans of which he had one with DBS, while me with Prudential. So his works in such a way whereby there will be a lump sum payout at the 10th year, whereas Prudential's an annual cashback of $500.00.
I'm taking the option of withdrawing the $500.00 because I felt that this $500.00, though accumulated over a period of 20 years will be a significant amount of money but who knows how high inflation will be throughout these 2 decades? (My dad got me a policy when I was just 2 months old, it costed him less than $30.00. Needless to say, the coverage that the policy gave me would cost at least $70.00 - $100.00 now. But the $30.00 then was like $100.00 now. I.e a bowl of mee costed like $0.50 20 years ago. Tell me where to find $0.50 noodles now.) Anyway, I just wanted to get back the money I originally put in, together with the interest. I don't really care how much I will earn. Bottomline - accountants' damn life: low risk, low returns.
But Xuan said, he will take out this lump sum at the 10th year and re-invest in stock market. He doesn't care if he's going to lose this money because these money might at the same time, generate even more money for him. I told him I will not take the risk because the purpose of my investiment is to save, not to take a gamble. He majored in Banking and Finance. He then told me the terminology bankers love to use: high risks, high returns.
But now, as I'm sitting here, I pondered. Can I live a high life if I don't take any gambles in life?
I'm holding a comfortable pay now. Everything's good, has its pros and its cons. And its stable and a metal rice bowl. However, it is not something I can live on to doing for the next 10 years. And it will never give me the sense of satisfaction I want to have. Its too stagnant.
I read alot, most of you know. I read about women, at the age of 26, 27 holding prestigous positions at banks and big 4s. I read about women, at the age of 40, retiring, opening a simple bakery shop just because its their dream to do so. I read about women, fought hard during their prime years to live a life I would love to have in the future. They took a gamble in life. They didn't stay in their comfort zones.
I used to think that I will never sacrifice my happiness for stresses and work shits. As though something hitted me right on my head, I discover that life's a gamble. There's a sacrifice for everything.
So, Xuan was right this time. If I don't take a risk, I will most probably be stucked with my annual increment, 2-months bonuses, Asia holidays and office overlooking HDB flats. I know there might not be anything positive working in CBD areas but when I was working there once, I saw the drive, the passion the people there hold.
I had the drive and passion when I 1st started working in my present company.
The Lake House is a delusive yet enchanting movie. I was already tired by the time I knocked off and I still have to crack my brain to understand the movie, thinking how the hell 2 person living 2 years apart can get to meet each other. But its a story of fate and life. It makes me wonder whether or not, if given a chance, I would want to know who I can meet 2 years down the road. The storyline is sad because Kate Forster (Sandra Bullock) & Alex Wyler (Keanu Reeves) will never be together. Alex Wyler died the day he was supposed to meet Kate. I ponder: Can 2 person fall in love just by writing letters, without seeing each other before? I like the advertising line: How do you hold on to someone you've never met?
After the movie, we met Xianjie & Qing since they are around the area. Had dinner at Mr. Bean & chatted for awhile before we parted. In the cab, Xianjie asked me something that has been on my mind for awhile. He asked if I'm happy with Xuan. I told him I'm. He then said he could sense I'm holding a very light feeling towards the boy as in, I don't love him as much as I technically, should. I admit.
Before I decided to be with Weixuan, I told a few people that I don't want that love-him-till-I-die feeling anymore. I just seek a very mutual relationship. You know the sweet honeymoon period where everything and anything will go your way & your heart will be beating so fucking fast before you meet him? I don't want to feel that way. I just want to reach that very stable stage. And I've been getting what I want. Perhaps we know each other for quite some time already, though part of this period, we weren't in contact. Or perhaps, it really is not the way a relationship should be starting off with.
I have been talking to a girlfriend of mine who is in love. I can really sense her happiness whenever she talks about her man. I can even feel her sadness when she touched on their minor disagreements. She's in love.
Weixuan's a nice boy. There's nothing more I would expect from him, to be on the frank side. I'm comfortable with him and we are pretty much open to talks about different views on subjects. Yet, I'm sure something's missing. I don't dare to say its love. Perhaps, it is passion. Its as though we understand each other so well we skipped that step in our relationship, which I thought was okie. Funnily, it appears otherwise now even though whatever I wanted in a new relationship has now been fulfilled.
I always joke with him, saying that I feel we have known each other all our lives because of our comfort level. I tell him that I don't feel shy infront of him and I hold no reservations on the things I want to voice out. I really thought it was a good thing.
Yesterday, he appeared alittle weird so I asked him (just now) if he had any difficulties in telling me his problems. He pondered for awhile and then asked, who he's to me. He then went on to say he feels he's like my friend and that he's a 2nd Xianjie to me.
Have I tried too hard to seek for my kind of relationship? Or am I too guarded against him?
No, people. Don't ever start thinking I still love anyone else. It is never me to be with someone out of loneliness or kindness. It is also not me to be with someone when I've another one in my heart.
This is apparently, the 1st time I'm so excited about the release of a movie. I hope The Lake House is up to the raves. I know this is a must watch when I saw the trailers.
A few days a month, I will wish I'm a man rather than a woman. No doubts being a woman has her perks, the time of the month just make every other thing seems so less worthy than having lesser cramps and pains.
I'm one of those very unlucky girls who has been perpetually stucked with stomach cramps and Synflex-es. I used to take tons of panadols until I get absolutely disgusted with its taste that I stopped relying on them. I turned to Synflex. The bloody pill cost $1 each and imagine each month, I have to swallow at least 10 pills just to ease the fucking pains. Luckily I stock them up whenever I see a doctor and charged to the company.
Brian is referring me to his auntie's gynea and hopes she will have some magical remedy for me. Qing asked me to take evening primose oil. Grace asked me to drink rose buds tea. Weixuan asked me not to drink so much "liang" stuffs. Patrick asked me to go for foot reflexology and the list goes on and on. But my mum said only one thing; she said "Give birth lor. You won't have cramps anymore."
I wish someone can just put me to sleep for a few days now.
With Weixuan being on leave for the next 8 days and Xianjie clearing his leaves, I forsee many many mahjong sessions in this coming week. I'm not complaining because we are playing at Xianjie's house and I can go straight down after work.
I'm clearing my makeups. They are in pristine condition, totally untouched or used for a few times. I take good care of my stuffs and will not sell stuffs are I cannot accept myself. Prices quoted are the best I can do and they are inclusive of normal postage. I accept UOB and POSB bank transfers. Strictly no meetups. :)
1st column (horizontally): S1, S2, S15, S9, 149
2nd column: S10, S16, S11, S001, S003
3rd column: S26, X03, S004, S006, 144
4th column: 120, 122
Trios going for $20.00 each. Bottom 2 going for $2.00 each.
Stila Eye Shadow duos: From left: 1. Heather/ Poise 2. Oasis/ Moss 3. Starlight/ Twig
$8.00 each
From left: 1. Perfectly Peach palette, $15.00 2. Perfectly Gold palette, $15.00 3. Rose blusher, $8.00
From left: 1. Stila Xmas 2005 LE Cool palette, $25.00 2. Stila Bloom palette, $10.00 3. Stila Mod 3 palette, $20.00
From left: 1. Stila Creme Bouquet Look palette, $28.00 2. Stila Jade Blossom Look palette, $28.00
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huishann's journal
determined
confused
annoyed
